The Christine Show

Christine Advises the Ex-Husbands

Hey Christine!  My 15-year-old doesn't want to attend a summer barbeque at her grandparents' house (they're her mother’s parents) because her mom’s live-in boyfriend will be there. Our divorce occurred, in large part, due to her infidelity with this man. If my daughter doesn't go, her grandparents will be mad at her. Should I "make" her go, or tell her it's okay not to go?

Dear Ex-Husband of a Homewrecker:   Maybe someone should clue GramGram and Poppy in on what’s going on.  Are they aware that your ex-wife was chalking up someone else’s pool cue while the two of you were still married?  Maybe if they knew the real reason your daughter doesn’t want to share the same air space with a philandering mother, they would cut your daughter a little slack.  Perhaps they’ll even stop inviting their homewrecker daughter to their house, and will be able to invite their granddaughter over for holidays and what-not without making her face what’s-her-name and the sleazy boyfriend.

Hey Christine!  My girl friend is having a huge problem with the fact that I still have contact with my ex-wife. My ex and I have been apart for about 2 years now. We don't have kids together but I told her she could always come to me if she needed help.  I am the one who asked for the divorce so I feel the need to help her because of my own guilt for hurting her. My girlfriend says if I continue to step in and help my ex that she won't want to stay in a relationship with me.

Dear Guilt-Ridden:  Duh.  You owe the ex nothing.  As in “nada.”  Just because you asked for the divorce doesn’t mean you’re at her beck and call for the rest of your life.  I’m sure you had your reasons for kicking her to the curb - maybe because she always made you feel guilty, yes?  Or maybe because she was too needy?  Your ex-wife survived just fine before she met you, and she’ll survive just fine without you (no offense intended).  Use some of that energy you would have spent re-caulking the ex’s bathroom to take your new Favorite Flavor out on the town.  And don’t forget to block the ex-wife’s number on your phone.

 

Hey Christine!  How do you know it’s time to divorce your wife?

Dear Clueless Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband:  Umm, let’s see.  I’d say the time to start divorce proceedings would be when you start finding receipts from sleazy motels on your Visa bill, or see her on Priceline.com booking flights to the Turks and Caicos Islands - knowing that you’re afraid to fly; or start hearing messages from a wedding planner on your answering machine.

 

Christine Advises The Ex-Wives

Hey Christine!  My ex-husband has started bringing his girlfriend to our daughter’s high school swim meets.  Although my daughter says she doesn’t mind, the woman’s presence makes me very uncomfortable.  Shouldn’t he, out of respect for me, keep her away from public gatherings where he knows I’ll be?

Dear Non-Trophy Ex-Wife:  Respect?  What planet are you from?  Since when does an ex-husband have to show you anything but civility?  How respectful were you of him during the divorce?  Get over your highfalutin self.  You’re just jealous that your ex-husband is a better person than you and was able to land a stone cold fox, while your slime of a boyfriend is still stumbling to first base.  If you’re uncomfortable around someone who is probably prettier and smarter than you, then I think you’re the one that has to make alternate plans to avoid public gatherings where the object of your ex-husband’s affection may show up.  Grow up, Sweet Pea. 

 

Hey Christine!   I am at a loss as to how to handle my ex-husband’s girlfriend. She and my husband were together many times before the end of our marriage, and I see her as a home wrecker in the least, and unprintable names at the worst. I have no choice but to be civil to my ex-husband because of our child, but do I also have to acknowledge her?  I’m sure she’ll show up at my son’s soccer game, and I don’t know what to do or say to her.

Dear Divorced Hag:  So many things going on here, and so little space to set your ass straight.  First, you do not handle your ex-husband’s new girlfriend.  Your ex-husband stepped out on you, probably because of your whininess, and the girlfriend just happened to be the one that caught his eye.  She is not the home-wrecker, and neither is your ex; you are.  You are the one that forced him into the arms of another woman because of your frigidness, so the blame’s all on you, sweetheart.

Second, yes, you have to acknowledge her.  What were you planning on doing … pretending she was invisible?  Pull yourself together, woman!  Just because your ex is puppy-dog in love, and you’re just withering away because of your inability to keep a man happy, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to treat the girlfriend like shit.

And third, has your divorce made you socially inept, with no clue as to how to act in public?  You would do and say the same things if you were meeting anyone for the first time:  You say hello, nice to meet you, and shake her hand.  You dipshit.

 

Hey Christine!  It just kills me to see my ex-husband happy with his new girlfriend.  How do I get over this?

Dear No Second Chance:  You don’t.  Do you know why it’s killing you to see him happy?  Because it brings up old flashbacks of how you got all bitchy and everything, nothing made you happy, you cheated on him with some white trash wannabe, and you know that the life you chose with ol’ Sleaze Bag is nothing compared to what you chased out of your house.  Too bad.  So sad.  I hope your ex lives really close to you so you have to see his happy-ass-self and his drop-dead-gorgeous squeeze everyday.

 

Christine Solves Your Wedding Dilemmas

Dear Christine:  I am getting married soon. It is the first marriage for my fiancé and me. My problem is deciding about having a gift registry. We are both very successful (I'm an attorney, and he is a professional athlete), and we have a lot of money. I have tons of friends who are not rich, and I am having a hard time doing a gift registry knowing that we already have so much. At the same time, I want the experience of opening our gifts and sending out our thank-you notes. Is it selfish to ask someone who has considerably less income to buy us a gift when we already have so much? Any insight you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Greedy Bitch:  How’s this for some insight … grow up!  The two of you are successful, loaded, and have a wealth of possessions, yet you’re wondering about a gift registry, and how your less successful and less wealthy friends can afford to buy you MORE!  And what’s with the crap about the ‘experience of opening gifts’ and ‘sending out thank-you cards’?  You’ve never received a gift before?  You’ve never had to write a thank-you note?  On second thought, you probably never have; Mummsy and Daddy handed you everything you ever wanted on a silver platter.  How about asking for donations to the gift-giver’s favorite charity in lieu of gifts?  Or, here’s a novel idea … how about no gifts at all … just ask your not-so-rich friends to come and help you celebrate?

 

Dear Christine:  My mom and dad are recently divorced, and my father wants to bring his new girlfriend to my wedding. I don't want my mother's feelings to be hurt. What should we tell him?

Dear Not Your Problem:  Does your mother not know that she is now divorced?  Does she not know the meaning of the word ‘divorced’?  He’s allowed to date someone else now, because he’s divorced from your mother.  That means that they’re no longer married to each other.  Why would her feelings be hurt?  Because she’ll feel frumpy next to your Dad’s new babe?  Too bad.  And in response to ‘what should we tell him?’ … you tell him, Mazel Tov on the new piece of eye candy!

 

Dear Christine:  I am a bride and I’m worried that people will turn up to my wedding wearing white.  I want to know the proper etiquette in dealing with such rude people. Is it appropriate to have the fashion police present to tell people to go back home and change their dress? I don’t want my photos, video or memories tarnished because of someone else’s bad manners.

Dear Definition of Bridezilla:  You have got to get over yourself.  You’re not the first person to deal with wedding day blunders, and you won’t be the last.  Do not … I repeat … DO NOT hire the fashion police to send anyone home to change.  You’ll be asking for big trouble in the form of, (a) your honeymoon reservations being cancelled by a pissed-off guest, (b) the $1,500 wedding cake being “accidentally” tipped over at the reception, or (c) one of those guests will return to the church dressed like Spongebob Squarepants.  Don’t worry; no one will get you confused with any guest who shows up wearing white.  You’ll be easy to spot in the crowd, what with your bitchy attitude and flames shooting out of your head.  And, seriously, do you think anyone at your wedding will believe that you’re allowed to wear white?

Christine's Help Desk - Easter Edition

Hippity-Hop, Christine! This past weekend, my boyfriend invited me to have Easter dinner with his family. After already weaseling my way out of both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, I know I have to come up with a good excuse this time. Got any ideas?

Dear Going To Bed Hungry: You weasled out of Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners?! What the hell’s wrong with you? Two of the best meals of the year, and you didn’t want to attend? How bad can it be to spend a couple of hours with his family? Who are they? The Donners? Put on a pretty dress and take your best attitude with you. While I'm sure his mother would be just as happy not having an I'm-better-than-you bitch join them for Easter dinner, maybe you could suck it up and be a good Christian for a couple of hours this Sunday. Hey, maybe his mom will even make you an Easter basket! She'll certainly remember the dissing she got for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so if I were you, I wouldn't eat what look like brown jelly beans in your basket. Hear what I'm sayin'?

 

Hippity-Hop, Christine! What day of the week will Easter Sunday fall on this year?

Dear Calendar Girl: I’ll give you a minute to re-read your question. Good. Now read it again. Okay. And now again. Now, what day of the week do you think Easter SUNDAY falls on this year?

 

Hippity-Hop, Christine! Do you make your own Easter baskets or use store boughten ones?

Dear Grammar Challenged: I don’t think I was ever given a store boughten one, and I know that I never gave my kids a store boughten one. My Mem always fixted up our Easter Baskets by herselves, and I’ve always putted together the baskets for my boys. Maybe you should consider assemblizing the baskets by yourself this year, and tossing a Dictionary in along with the chocolate rabbits and robin’s egg malt balls.

 

Hippity-Hop, Christine! On Easter, we invite the whole family for brunch at our home after church. My son’s girlfriend doesn’t observe Easter in her religion; do you think she’d be offended if we invited her?

Dear No Offense Intended: Hey, a free meal is a free meal. Unless you’re serving something like boiled fish heads or haggis, I can't imagine why she wouldn't want to come over and break bread. Maybe your son’s girlfriend can’t partake of some of the stuff you’ll be serving, but I’m sure she’ll find something she can eat. Like those bowls of little chocolate eggs that are all over the house; who doesn’t like those?

Dear Miss Christine's Manners

Dear Miss Christine’s Manners:  I took care of my aunt's four children for a week so she could go on vacation. I never discussed her paying me, as I grew up expecting to get paid for my time. Well, she won over $3,000 on vacation and she didn't even offer to pay me.  Am I wrong to expect payment or is she wrong to think that because we are family, my time and inconvenience is worth nothing?

Dear Once Removed:  Really?  You grew up expecting to get paid for your time from relatives?  You’re sad.  If, by accepting the responsibility of caring for your aunt’s kids, you felt you would be inconvenienced, you should have said something at the time.  Sorry Aunt Grace, but taking care of your kids is waaaay beyond my capabilities, and also, it would seriously cut into my street time.   I know that if one of my relatives had called me to help them out … whether it be for a planned vacation or an emergency situation … I would have done whatever I could for them.  By the way, your aunt’s four children are your cousins … not just some random kids you fed for a few days.

 

Dear Miss Christine’s Manners:  My niece just graduated and we received an announcement. What was puzzling was the fact that there was an empty, stamped self-addressed smaller envelope inside. Nothing else.  Is this rude, or just me?

Dear Return To Sender:  You’re so silly!  She’s asking you to write back to her and fill her in on what’s been going on with your family!  You know what?  You should send her one of the pictures of you and your husband from your vacation in Hawaii … the one where you both put on grass skirts and danced at the luau!  And remember that button you found when you were vacuuming the guest room?  Slip it into the envelope also, with a note asking her if she may have lost it on her last visit to your home.  She’ll be grateful that you found it, believe me.

 

Dear Miss Christine’s Manners: Is my age showing when I feel that it is rude to be greeted, after I have placed a call, with “Hello, Dorothy?” I know this means they have caller ID, but I feel on the defensive, even before I have had a chance for them to hear my name.

Dear Get With the 21^st Century:  Let me see if I’ve got this straight … you feel offended because the person you’re calling already knows what an egotistical, narcissistic, pompous ass is on the other end of the call, and doesn’t give you a chance to announce yourself.  Wow.  Aren’t you just full of yourself!  With your attitude, you should be grateful that they’re even taking your calls.  Hey, maybe when they say “Hello, Dorothy” it immediately takes them back to their childhood memories of watching “The Wizard of Oz” and they start to imagine talking to you in the voice of the Tin Man or the Scarecrow.  If you could disguise your voice to sound like a teen-aged Judy Garland, you’d have some pretty hilarious phone calls!  Record a couple and send them to me.